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Mary Edeza D. De Leon

October 4, 2009

She’s at one with the wind

As she dances on its rhythm

Wearing her velvet ballet shoes.

Whipping and cutting the mist

With her dainty hands,

Blowing and whispering

Songs from her fragile heart

She closes her eyes

Letting her spirit flow,

Out of her ears,

Out of her eyes and mouth.

She never thought of

Resisting the force,

That spins her willing body

Around and fast.

Neither did she felt dizzy,

Only free.

The sound of the wind

And the yielding, submissive

Motion of her hair

Is enough to take her,

To a world far away.

Para

Gusto kong tumula ng hindi ginagamit ang salitang galit, pagkamuhi o kung ano ano pang salitang may kaparehong kahulugan, kaya nagbabasa ako upang makahanap ng ipapalit na analogy o symbol para itula ang mga salitang ayaw kong sabihin pero dapat kong pakawalan.

Marami. Maraming marami akong gustong sabihin kay dapat dagdagan ko pa ang pagbabasa at pananaliksik upang mabigyan ko ng buhay ang mga nagmumultong salita na namamahay sa babasagin kong dibdib at diwa.

Marahan. Unti-unti kong ilalabas at palalayain ang diwatang sa loob ng katauhan ko. Dahil kagaya ng ibang manunulat na narating na ang rurok ng kaligayahan sa piling ng tula ay ninanais ko rin yung maranasan.

Wala man akong masyadong karanasan katulad ng sa kanila, malaki ang pasasalamat ko na walang pagdadamot nilang ibinabahagi ang karanasang hindi magtatagal ay magiging karanasan ko na rin. Hindi magtatagal, makakasabay ko rin sila sa paglalakad sa parehong kalsadang kanilang nilalakaran. At pinapangarap kong makapalitan din sila ng mga kuro-kuro, makakwentuhan tungkol sa buhay-buhay at matuto mula sa kanilang karanasan bilang nanay, ate, tita, lola, makata, babae at tao.

Dahil naaaliw ako sa pagiging dynamiko ng mga babae. Kasing ganda ng hubog ng kanilang katawan at kasing misteryosa ng kanilang mga tingin ang tulang kanilang nagagawa. Punong-puno ng damdamin, punong-puno ng pagmamahal, punong-puno ng pagiging babae.

Palagi kong maiisip ang mga salita ni Rebecca Anonuevo sa mga mapaglimi niyang tula , "walang pagtatakwil sa pinagtutukuyan o pagkapahiya o paghingi ng paumanhin"

Isa lamang siya sa maraming babaeng manunulat at makata na aking hinahangaan at hinuhugutan ng lakas at inspirasyon. Dahil sabi nga ni Ruth Elynia Mabanglo, mahirap maging babae sa panahon ngayon.

Nakakatuwa rin na unti-unti ng nagbubukas ang pintuan ng panitikan para sa mga kababaihan. Mapalad ako na hindi ko naranasan ang rebolusyon noong unang panahon o ang Martial Law. Pero alam ko na mas malaking rebolusyon ang kinakaharap ko, dahil marami pa akong kailangang kalabanin na pagaalinlangan, takot at kawalang tiwala sa sarili. Marami pang piraso ng aking sarili ang nagtatalo sa sarili nitong bahagi, kalat-kalat at kailangan kong pulutin at pagdikit dikitin.

Gayunpaman, hindi ako nawawalan ng pagasa na mahahanap kong muli ang pintuang minsan kong tinalikuran, ikinandado at hanapin ang susing itinapon. Matatagpuan ko rin ang lagusan patungo sa mundong pilit kong kinalimutan na ni minsan hindi ako nilimot.

Kung paano kong natagpuan ito noon, ganun o sa mas kakaiba at mas malikhaing paraan ko ito matatagpuan ngayon. Dahil wala ng mas sasakit pa sa panghihinayang na hindi ko manlang nasubukang balikan ang pagsusulat dahil sa kahihiyang wala naman silang pakialam. Dahil sa pagkakamaling hindi ko manlang sinubukang maitama. Kung saan ako huhugot ng lakas ng loob, ako na ang bahala dun basta babalik ako, sa ayaw at sa gusto ko.

X

Scene
Mary Edeza D. De Leon
September 22, 2009

Was it my languid sight
that tricks my eyes
as it seemed like
you were following my path

Was it fate that intervened
when I rode the jeepney
and found you there
waiting, staring, searching.

Lurred in surprise and disbelief
how you were just behind me
and now you are here
how can that be

Wrinkled forehead
off the top of my head.
Questions tarry, trapped
in my dehydrated mouth.

But we never crossed that line
that invisible fine line
that separates our will and want
detaching us from dream and life.

With our eyes locked, soul intertwined
We vacate the vehicle
held in hand, fate and faith
that drew us together and apart
will take us back to each others arm.

Clot

Ambahan ng Paglisan
Mary Edeza D. De Leon
September 20, 2009

Lugar na 'yong tinungo
tila napakalayo,
nabusog iyong mata
nabigla sa nakita.
At ako na naiwan
Sa silid na nilisan
ay nagmistulang baliw,
ano ang magaaliw?
Ang pagyakap sa dingding
o paghalik sa sahig?
Wala na nga ang bakas
ng "pagibig mong wagas",
tangay ng mga alon,
hindi na nakaahon.

Muse

Maningning
Mary Edeza D. De Leon
September 19, 2009

There’s no such thing as accidents.
Those are incidents that happen for a reason.
It’s an answer to the questions
That constantly haunts and hunts us.
An answer we could never find
Because it finds us first,
It always does.

It was not by accident
That I found Maningning Miclat,
Or so I thought,
At the Anvil Publishing booth,
For I didn’t look for her-
She found me.
She recognized me from afar,
Followed the trail of my scent,
Cologne and sweat mixed.
She waited for me to go back
Take her out of that box
And put her into my heart’s art.

It took me two rounds
At SMX to finally respond
To her enchanting,
Whispering, longing, voice
And she was right.
So I dived into her very soul,
Laughed and cried
For a reason I would never know.
If I had a pen & paper
At the very time
When she pursued my pulse,
I would write and never stopped
As I did at the poor keypad,
In the bus
Stuck in the traffic
Haunted by her

It’s the kind of haunting
I would surely love,
The kind of haunting I would
Take to bed at night
Earnestly wishing it’ll be there
When I woke up

Fluid thoughts

Mary Edeza D. De Leon
September 11, 2009

Water.
Water to boil.
Water to freeze.
It stays the same
even if turned
a hundred eighty degrees.
Rain water.
Free falling water.
Water falls.
Sea water.
Water from the well.
Tap water.
Sprung up from the ground,
returning again.
Never ending cycle.
Peaceful, calm,
serene, scary,
troubled, flowing water.
Quench, satisfy, drown.
Coffee, tea, iced.

Blackhole

Mary Edeza D. De Leon
September 2, 2009

The stars bejeweled the sky
like scattered broken crystals.
Beneath the sheet of this
untouched beauty
lies my heart.
Lost in the constellations of you.
Outshined by millions of stars
but handpicked by you.
I don't know what lead me to you,
must be the force that pulls me
right at the center of you.
It was something stronger than gravity,
more magical than serendipity.
It was only you,
that hole in you I see.
Where I fit.
Where I belong.
Too late when I realized
you are a blackhole.
I awoke in infinite deep sleep,
helpless. Then I saw,
you're pulling everyone else
not just me.

Moon

Mary Edeza D. De Leon
September 2, 2009

My sleepless nights belong to you
and only for you.
A vow of tirelessly
and never ending
adoration of your beauty.
My bed, pillows, blanket
and this longing room
are witnesses of this promise.
That as long as my insomnia attacks.
Till every whisper, move
and caress of the wind
that keeps me company fades.
Till the thunder grows tired
of breaking the velvet sky.
Till the morning swallow
your calming shadow.
Only to dominate the sky
again at night.
You my moon
will always and forever be
my lamp, muse and friend.

Only

Mary Edeza D. De Leon
September 2, 2009

I hear the drumbeats of my heart,
only my heart.
The clouds and sun disappear,
no wind, no air
but still I can breathe.
As the trees, flowers and birds
starts to fade like a watercolor painting
splashed with water.

Only you, although I don't know you
keeps me going.
I'm waiting for you
to fill up my world
with clouds, sun, rain,
trees and flowers
that we'll create.

Only you, although I don't know you
will I wait.
On riverbanks till they too
will dry up.
On streams till they too
will give up.

Only you, although I don't know you
Will I wait.

PRETTY FACE

Mary Edeza D. De Leon
September 2, 2009

Spoon fed. Fork Fed. Knife fed.
I'm fed up with you.
You're nothing but a face.
Indeed a pretty face
aside from that
you're nothing else.

No air. No space.
It doesn't matter.
Coz you're just a face
You and your face
and nothing else.

No brain. No heart.
Just a face.
You and your pretty face
and nothing else.

No guts. No bone.
Just a face.
You and your pretty face
and nothing else.

If you lose your face
you're nothing,
because you're just a face.
You and your pretty face
and nothing else.

I'm dying to see time
fade your face away.
You and your pretty face
and nothing else.

Illusion

Lucid Dream
Mary Edeza D. De Leon
August 22, 2009

I dreamed of having someone
with the same brain wave length as mine or longer
though I wasn't sure if that's even possible.
Someone who's nice, patient
and willing to give way
though I haven't encountered one.
Someone who can bear
my unbearable mood swings,
Crazy dance, tricky tactics,
constructive criticism
and face me, head to head,
toe to toe, hand tied.
though I know they're rare kind.
Someone with a prominent backbone,
integrity and muscled body as a bonus,
values other people
without neglecting himself,
kicks a pot, never his wife,
a hand that helps and support
not scare and scold,
possible though I don't know anyone.
Someone with a brain and humor
that can make me laugh till I fart
but knows how to handle
serious, deep conversations.
I know one person.

Then he started walking up to me
and his frame starts engulfing me
alive, whole, breathing...
There are two,
then there was one.
His face wasn't clear
as it lit up, reflecting what he feels.
I swam through his whole being
and I found nothing but flesh
fresh, warm flesh
and all I could hear
was his heartbeat.
Mine was lost,
lost in his heart's rhythm.
As his hand touched my face
I felt something strange.
He was about to say something
when I woke up from a dream.

of gazillion masks

Canvass
Mary Edeza D. De Leon
August 22, 2009

She puts her angry foundation on
But she's still lonely.
Evens out her eyebrow with her cranky eyebrow pencil
Still, she's lonely.
Growling eyeliner, carefully lined up her eyes
Still, she's lonely.
Patted suspicious concealer on the parts she wants to hide
Still, she's lonely.
Colored her lips with screaming cherry red lipstick
Still she's lonely.
Sprinkled mad bronzer on her cheeks
Makes her even more lonely.
Because no make up, concealers or masks
Can hide the fact
that she's lonely.
As lonely is to be happy.

Ruler

DISTANCE

Mary Edeza D. De Leon
August 13, 2009

18 inches is the distance
between a man's heart and brain.
But it seems very far
as I try to feel through my brain
and think through my heart.
My mind fell short
of its expected function,
to command and to react
beyond the circumstances,
to feel straight, rational
and logical, knowing
what's right or wrong everytime.
My heart failed to portray
its given role.
To respond and think selflessly.
Intuition and gut-feel
over perception and theories.
Thinking while pumping blood
without the help of neurons,
receptors and nerves.
It's just one of the things I couldn't control,
change, modify or move.
Because though it seems
that they're just a foot and a half
away from each other
and change seems achievable.
You can't love through your brain,
you can't calculate through your heart.
As you can't eat through your orifice
and excrete through your mouth.

Hot item

SALE
Mary Edeza D. De Leon
August 9, 2009

There she was
busy digging up
on a pile
of ON SALE clothes.
Eyes sparkling like wine
popping with evil desire.
Her delicate hands
turned into claw,
as her fang
starts to sprung up her teeth.
Defensive.
Trying to get the best of it.
Never mind the sweat.
Never mind the chill
and the rumbling stomach.
She did what she did
Dig! Dig! Dig!
She never bother to check
what took her hours
that seemed like
a million years to detect.
Her beloved outside,
Stoned and forgotten.
Starved, cold and rotten.